Worth of Himself
Jan. 24th, 2009 04:10 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
spiceblueeyes![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif){kind=small}
tamingthemuse . I was in an odd mood today and this is what came out.Title: Worth of Himself
Rating:pg-13
Summary:Spike thinks about Xander.
Warnings:angst, character death
Disclaimer: Don't own Spike, Xander or Sunnydale. Wish I did though.
Worth of Himself
Spike had always known that Xander had self-esteem issues. The self-depreciating humor, the hunched posture that made him seem shorter than Spike when he was actually a few inches taller, and of course the way he would throw himself into fights, with no regard for his own safety, always trying to save others more than himself. His friends thought he was just foolishly brave, but Spike saw the underlying truth. Xander didn’t think he was good enough, worthy enough, to live. Spike doubted it was a conscious thought, more a subconscious concept, so ingrained for so long that he probably didn’t even notice. Thought it was normal to assume everyone else was better, smarter, braver, more worthy, more wanted, more loved. It was easy to see where this attitude came from, Spike saw it instantly. The first night he stayed in Xander’s basement and listened to his father berate him for finishing the last of the beer, which he hadn’t done, calling him things like “worthless waste of air,” and “worst mistake of my life.” Things that would break the spirit of a person if heard often enough; and Xander had clearly been listening to it for a long time.
Spike had tried to help, but helping wasn’t in his nature. Compliments ended up coming out more sarcastic or biting than he meant them to. He still tried though, sometimes managing to sound sincere. Those times when he did manage it, when an honest to god nice thing came out of Spike’s mouth saying what a good job Xander did, or how he looked nice in that shirt, the words were quickly waved away, dismissed by Xander as a fluke, or a lie, not penetrating the surface. Trying to make Xander even accept a compliment was a gargantuan task in and of itself.
How do you convince someone that they’re worth something when they’ve been told their entire life that they’re worth less than old gum on the bottom of their father’s shoe? Yes, Spike had heard that one from the old man himself, it made him clench his fists and wish the chip didn’t protect this sorry excuse for a human father. He’d hoped that Xander’s friends would see, would help, but no one noticed the status quo, no one questioned it, it was the way things had always been, and Xander didn’t see anything wrong with it either.
So Spike, who had come to care for Xander far more than he wanted to admit out loud, took matters into his own hands. He stole, raised and borrowed the money to hire someone to take out that drunken piece of shit. They showed up and caught Xander’s father in his driveway, when he got home from work. Two greshkrilk demons, nasty fellows with even less morals than vampires, worked for money, or just for fun.
Xander wasn’t meant to be there, wasn’t meant to get hurt, but he’d been headed home early and interrupted. He’d known that he couldn’t fight them off on his own, so he’d offered a trade. Himself for his father. The demons didn’t care, they’d already been paid, and Spike cursed himself for a long time over that bit of idiocy. So they’d taken the trade, chuckling at the bravery of this modern day white knight, and Xander had died a quick but agonizing death by greshkrilk venom.
Spike hadn’t found out until later, he’d already started celebrating the death of Xander’s father, when he heard that the death was actually Xander’s. The greshkrilks hadn’t lived very long after he’d heard that, but beating them into bloody pulps hadn’t eased the ache in his heart. It wasn’t supposed to have happened that way, why had the boy come home early, why had he offered himself up to save the man who had tormented him since birth?
Others thought it was bravery, an innate sense of decency. Spike wondered though, if it was maybe more to do with his sense that he’s wasn’t good enough, never worth enough. When he’d heard Xander’s father a few days later say that “the world is probably better off,” Spike left town. He’d find a doctor to remove this chip in his head, and then return to Sunnydale. Where there would be a reckoning, because Spike knew what Xander hadn’t. That Xander was worth ten, a hundred, a thousand times more than his father, a lesson that Mr. Harris would learn well before he was allowed to die. Too bad he hadn’t been able to teach Xander.
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Date: 2009-01-24 10:39 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-01-25 12:36 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-01-25 12:36 am (UTC):(
So sad *needs hug*
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Date: 2009-01-25 12:37 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-01-25 02:16 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-01-25 05:53 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-01-25 06:05 am (UTC)Love this line, particularly - Spike had tried to help, but helping wasn’t in his nature. Compliments ended up coming out more sarcastic or biting than he meant them to.
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Date: 2009-01-25 05:54 pm (UTC)Thanks for the lovely comment!
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Date: 2009-01-25 11:11 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-01-25 05:54 pm (UTC)*much bibbling :(*
Date: 2009-01-25 10:39 pm (UTC)Re: *much bibbling :(*
Date: 2009-01-25 10:54 pm (UTC)*hands you tissue*
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Date: 2009-01-26 06:05 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-01-26 04:40 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-01-26 06:34 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-01-26 04:41 pm (UTC)I saw that you recced me on darkerspike, I feel so special!
*bg*
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Date: 2009-01-26 04:16 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-01-26 04:42 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-01-26 07:07 pm (UTC)*Mwah*
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Date: 2009-01-27 12:24 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-01-27 06:04 am (UTC)i liked how you didn't portray xander's dad too outlandishly because there's no need to. sometimes the worst abuse isn't physical, but the abuse that wears away at the soul and at a person's own love for themselves. beautiful.
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Date: 2009-01-27 11:11 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-01-27 01:34 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-01-27 11:14 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-01-28 03:13 am (UTC)HE GOT XANDER KILLED. Shit. I don't know what hurts more: dead Xander or Spike accidentally doing it with one of his dumbass plans.
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Date: 2009-01-28 03:24 am (UTC)Happy fluff hunting ;)