Paying Penance

[spiceblueeyes]

I wrote another drabble along this same theme a while ago for a prompt at tamingthemuse but I wasn't completely happy with it. So, I rewrote it. The original can be found here if anyone is interested in comparing them.

Title: Paying Penance
Rating: R, to be safe
Warnings: self-harm
Disclaimer:Spike doesn't belong to me :(
Summary: set after spike got his soul, his way of coping.

He paid penance to the ghosts. They whispered in his head, calling him names, cursing him. That is, when they weren’t screaming in agony from remembered pain. Pain he had caused.

They demanded penance, and always it was in the form of pain. They were so loud, crowding his head until he couldn’t hear himself anymore, he could only hear them, and their cries for vengeance, retribution.

Penance.

So he stole a cross, one that seemed as though it was made for him. Stealing was okay, the voices didn’t care about the things he’d stolen over the years. They only cared about the blood, and demanded blood in return.

He tried to ignore them. He really did. But his soul heard them, his soul remembered them, and he always ended up here once again.

Alone, in the dark, holding his cross by its silver chain, touching it to his legs, his arms, his chest, everywhere. It burned, but he didn’t cry out. He didn’t want to disturb the silence, because this was the only time the voices were quiet. When he was bleeding, burning, crying, hurting, when he offered his pain to them, caused it for them, they would cease the constant wails, laments, and condemnations. They would relish in his suffering.

But when he was done, when his skin was blackened and his pain became too much to bear, they would start again. It was never enough, they were never satisfied.

The call for penance was a constant. Most days he could resist, he could function; he could pretend he was whole.

Some days…

He paid penance.

 

 

If you want to know what Spike's cross looks like go to: http://churchsupplier.com/shopsite_sc/store/html/christian_necklaces.html

The pewter nail cross necklace

Comments

[akasakasan.livejournal.com]

This is amazing. So tragic, I feel for Spike.

And as much as I hate to say it the cross really does look like it was made for Spike :(

Akasakasan

[spiceblueeyes.livejournal.com]

Thank you!

Yeah, when I went searching for crosses on the internet I didn't really know what I wanted it to look like, and then I saw that one and I was like, if Spike had a cross, that would be it.

[kudagirl.livejournal.com]

Yes, that cross could have been created for Spike. Your drabble was so sad. Reminds me of how people cut themselves to release the pain. Your drabble shows how he suffered and tried to cope.

[spiceblueeyes.livejournal.com]

Spike is in a lot of pain after he gets his soul, and on the show it didn't seem like they spent a lot of time explaining how he dealt with it.
Thanks for reading and commenting!

[spiceblueeyes.livejournal.com]

Thank you for reading and commenting!

[mithril-56.livejournal.com]

Really nice story - great imagery! Thanks :>

[spiceblueeyes.livejournal.com]

Thank you!

[of-too-minds.livejournal.com]

*shiver*

Poor Spike. He was so lost and broken after he got his soul back. I think you're right, he would seek absolution for his sins through self-injurious behaviour.

[spiceblueeyes.livejournal.com]

Yes, I think the scratches on his chest from trying to get "the spark" out show that he would hurt himself.
Poor Spike indeed.

[spiceblueeyes.livejournal.com]

Thanks!
Is it wrong that the song "sexual healing" popped into my head when I read your comment?

I'll leave that in your capable hands, and Angel's too ;)

[zoesmith.livejournal.com]

Oh poor poor Spike *hugs him tight*
Very dark and intense, great job!

[spiceblueeyes.livejournal.com]

Thank you!
*hugs Spike too*

[spiceblueeyes.livejournal.com]

The cross is particularly appropriate, I think.
Thanks for commenting!

[kindredspirit75.livejournal.com]

Poor Spike. I will always believe that there was still a bit of humanity left in him even though Angelus made him into a monster. That's why he could still love, and when he got his soul back, the hurt was more than he could bear.

Wonderful, wonderful imagery you've created here with your beautiful words.

[spiceblueeyes.livejournal.com]

Thank you for your lovely comment!

And I agree, Spike always seemed a little more human than other vampires.