Words Not Spoken

[spiceblueeyes]

My first posted Supernatural fanfic.

Title: Words Not Spoken
Pairing: Gen
Rating: R
Warnings: Images of Dean in Hell, so, not fun stuff.
Summary: Written for the Dean-focused Hurt/Comfort Meme over at hoodie_time . The prompt was Gen or Sam/Dean would be lovely! When Dean's dreams of hell are at their worst, Sam takes the dream-root and enters his brother's dreams in an effort to help him. He ends of seeing some of what his brother went through in hell. What happens when they wake up?
Probably not exactly what they were looking for, but this is what came to me.

 

Dean won’t talk about it. He just won’t. Which frustrates Sam because how can he help if Dean won’t talk about it.

All his research says that to get over traumatic events the person needs to talk about it, let it out, acknowledge and share the pain.

What could be more traumatizing than hell?

And maybe, just maybe, there’s a tiny smidgen of curiosity in his desire to get Dean to talk that Sam doesn’t really admit, but won’t deny either. A sick, morbid curiosity about what could break his big brother so badly. The brother who had been tough, macho, and larger than life for as long as Sam could remember.

And Dean was broken. He tried to hide it, tried to act like everything was the same. La de da, just having a drink Sammy, move along, nothing to see here.

Except that was Dean’s second bottle of booze that day and he’d started drinking as soon as he rolled out of bed, before he even hit the shower. Except that every night Dean had nightmares where he would shout and scream and whimper in ways that made Sam’s heart clench painfully.

So no, everything was not fine, and Sam was not going to just move along and pretend that it was. Which is why Dean’s nightcap has an extra ingredient, African dream root, and once Dean passes out Sam plucks a few of his hair, adds it too his own cup and downs the cup of bitter yellow tea.

He knows when he’s asleep instantly because he opens his eyes and sees an intricate web of wires criss-crossing the sky, and there are people hanging from them. He’s lying on a wooden platform, supported by more wires, suspended over an abyss. The wood has stains on it, like it’s been bathed in blood so many times that it absorbed the color.

Sam looks around for Dean, because this was Dean’s dream, and he had to let him know that he wasn’t here alone anymore. That he didn’t have to be alone in this hell.

Dean was standing on the other side of the platform, crouched down over something Sam couldn’t see. He was talking to it. “I’m real sorry,” he said. “But I can’t go back under the knife, or the flames, or the whip, or the water, or anything else. You know how it is, right? You understand?”

As Dean spoke images flickered in the blackness, showing examples of what Dean was saying. Sam watched as Dean talked his way through images of him being cut, burned, and tortured in every way imaginable.

Sam walked closer, wanted to get Dean’s attention. But he stopped when he saw what Dean was talking to.

“No, I don’t understand. I’ll never understand you weak, worthless waste of my life!” Said John Winchester’s head. Or at least what looked like his head.

“I’m sorry, Dad, I’m so sorry. I wasn’t strong enough. Not like you. I’m so sorry!” Dean sobbed into his hands and more images flickered by as Dean remembered what he was sorry for.

Dean cutting into a man’s stomach. Dean ripping out a woman’s intestine. Dean pulling back the skin of someone’s face. Dean raping a man with a hot poker. Dean setting fire to a woman’s hair.

“Oh god!” Sam stumbled backwards. Dean heard him and his head whipped around. His face was covered in tear tracks and his eyes looked red and raw.

“Sam?” Dean asked, confused. And Sam couldn’t deal with this, couldn’t deal with knowing this right now, because he’d been prepared to supportive and understanding about what had been done to Dean, but he had no idea how to react to what Dean had done.

“Dean,” Sam said. “Wake up.”

Thanks to the power of the dream root they were both instantly pulled out of the hell in Dean’s head and back into reality. Sam lay on his bed, listening to his own breathing. Dean had tortured people in Hell, had hurt them. God, no wonder Dean was so messed up, his brother’s over developed sense of responsibility for everything and everyone was going to absolutely pulverize him over this.

“Sam?” Dean’s voice was hesitant, questioning. “Was that you?”

So Dean hadn’t figured it out, didn’t know for sure that Sam had crashed the super fun party in his head. Should Sam answer? What would he say? He had no idea. He needed more time to think.

So Sam focused on his breathing. Nice and even, make sure his eyes are moving so it looks like he’s dreaming, and didn’t say anything. He let Dean get up and have another drink before drifting off into another bout of sleep.

Maybe by the time Dean got around to telling Sam himself, he would know what to say.

But in the meantime, Sam wasn’t going to try and get Dean to talk anymore.

Comments

[aelijah85.livejournal.com]

Wow, that was painful (in a good way) but still, painful, Sammy all set to help and then to get basically b**** slapped in the face with not only what happened to Dean but by what DEAN DID while in Hell...Guh! And then Deans whole talking to some of Johns head? again I say....Wow, the imaging of this whole fic was awesome. but this...."Maybe by the time Dean got around to telling Sam himself, he would know what to say.

But in the meantime, Sam wasn’t going to try and get Dean to talk anymore." Sam understanding that he needed to back off not only for Dean but also himself. I loved this.

And on another separate note, your banner (uber hot by the way) and "Fear litany" (awesome movie, loved that litany first time I heard it) Makes me want to go find Dune Supernatural x-overs (New Dune not 70's Dune)

~Delight~

[spiceblueeyes.livejournal.com]

Thank you so very much! I'm really glad you liked it! The prompter was probably looking for more comfort on the hurt/comfort spectrum, but this is what my muse gave me.
I'll pass along your compliment about the banner :)

[borgmama1of5.livejournal.com]

Very wrenching!

[spiceblueeyes.livejournal.com]

Thank you!

[real-funky-town.livejournal.com]

Love the concept of Sam sneaking a peak with the dreamroot and fantastic dream sequence. Very well done with Sam’s shock and choosing not to say anything at all – comes off very true to the character.

[spiceblueeyes.livejournal.com]

Thank you very much!

[(Anonymous)]

just finished reading Xander's Apple. I read a few chs when you first started and made a note to come back and check to see if it got finished. Yes! Congrats!
It had a lot of charm for me. Especially enjoyed their trip so Xander could enjoy the beach and the sun. Thanks!

[spiceblueeyes.livejournal.com]

Thank you! It was my first multi-part story, so it has a special place in my heart.

[quovadimus83.livejournal.com]

that's a scary thought: Sam, even temporarily, giving up on Dean. I really liked the idea of the dream root. I haven't seen that one before used on Dean like that. brilliant!

[spiceblueeyes.livejournal.com]

I can't take credit for the dream root idea because it was a prompt, but the rest is me :)

[quovadimus83.livejournal.com]

well, I sure liked what you did w/ it. :D

[spiceblueeyes.livejournal.com]

Why thank you ever so much :)

[shyriann.livejournal.com]

Beautiful. This was exactly the problem I had when I tried to write my own hell-fic. I could imagine all the things I would do to Dean if I were a demon with him under my thumb, but I simpoly could not wrap my head around Dean being the tormenter, so the fic eventually went into the sock drawer with all the other WIP's. I loved this, Sam's helpful optimism shattered by the realisation that he had no idea what he was actually dealing with, and his understanding of the horror Dean faced in having to live with what he'd done with his overwhelming sense of responsibility for the whole damn world.

[spiceblueeyes.livejournal.com]

It is hard to imagine our Dean hurting someone else like that, but it's also one of Dean's worst fears, so it makes sense that Hell made it come true.
And Sam had no idea what he was getting into.
Thanks for commenting!!!

[lovetheguys.livejournal.com]

GREAT story, very well done! Poor Sam--sometimes, you're better off not knowing things, right?

The only way to get off the rack was to put others on. Dean broke, but it took 30 years! Imagine the pain he went through! I can't blame him, and I doubt Sam would, either, after really considering it.

Love, Robin
Editor, SUPERNATURAL, www.moogi.com

[spiceblueeyes.livejournal.com]

Thank you! Sam wishes he didn't know now, but it's important to the brother's relationship that he find out eventually. Though he should have waited for Dean to tell him.